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Welcome to Rain Symphony (formerly known as Forgotten Hope), phoenix's weblog/personal site. Here you will find my thoughts about my life, as well as whatever other random things I decide to put on here. Enjoy your stay.
And Now, Back to Reality
Ack. So I didn't manage to finish that layout I was talking about because I got distracted by the arrival of Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box. It looks like it'll have to wait until December to be finished.
Two weeks (and two days) more of class, then finals, then--vacation! Sadly, I'll probably have to spend much of my time deciding what to do during the summer. It's not easy to find a program/job. Other than that, I'll have plenty of time to reflect on first semester and college in general, which will be very much needed.
On my to-do list, besides coursework: (1) Go to bed earlier. (2) Spend less time on the computer. (Easier said than done...) (3) Get back into gear with my endeavor to learn German, which had been interrupted for the past few weeks by previously mentioned craziness. (4) Read through Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell. I didn't read it carefully enough the first time through, not to mention that I only looked at bits and pieces. (I also have to read Paradise Lost, and Dante, and my Chinese text, and all my Shakespeares back at home...) (5) Start writing an original fiction again (?).
Posted by phoenix on 2009-11-29 ~
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Happy Thanksgiving (late)
Hi hi, sorry it's been a while since my last drama-filled post. Things smoothed over, but I was busy as hell working on a 12-page essay (sob) and studying for my Chem exam. Well, now all that's over, and I'm been having such a fun, relaxing (if unproductive, haha) time at home that I totally forgot to update. Again.
Well, anyways, happy Thanksgiving! I didn't really do anything special this year, but I know I have a lot to be thankful for, even though sometimes I forget when caught up in the whirl of everyday life. I hope I can remember to keep the big picture in mind more often in the future, rather than agonize over trivial things that don't matter in the long run.
I was planning to update when I finished the layout I was working on--yes, another premade layout for the first time since forever! But, since I keep getting booted off the desktop computer, I haven't been able to fine-tune the details yet.
Since I've been at home, I randomly began watching the Devil May Cry 3 cutscenes again and got totally hooked. Again. (Curse the internet for spawning all those theories about Vergil; now I actually like him as a character. Grr.) Also, TV Tropes has sucked away ten years of my life...but at least I've been laughing all the way.
Posted by phoenix on 2009-11-27 ~
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Issues
You know, this freshman years is turning out to be one endlessly rocky road full of pitfalls and unexpected events.
When my parents visited yesterday, my mom told me something she really shouldn't have; she described the death scene in graphic detail.
I went insane.
I was crying hysterically in the dining hall (which was where we had our conversation), I went back to my room alone and began banging against the furniture, I was totally out of control. Because I can't deal with an image that's put in my head. Tell me she died; don't tell me how. If I wanted to know, my imagination could fill in all the gaps by itself. But I don't have that morbid curiosity. I can deal with death as an abstract concept; I can't deal with it once someone makes it corporal and real.
So I was pretty angry at my mom for shattering my peace of mind, and I still am, to an extent. I've forgiven her for many things in my life, but this, this will take a while. And college is getting busier than ever because of the upcoming Thanksgiving break; this is one time that I can't afford to be distracted.
My dad has been a big help in soothing me and calming me down (he told my mom it was a bad idea to tell me the details, but she didn't listen). But today my sister calls and tells me, in tears, that my mom and dad had had a vicious argument at home because of me.
On some level, I feel bad, but on another, I feel so emotionally weird/comatose that I can't care. (I called my dad, and he said everything was all right.) I know I've been acting poorly toward my mom recently, but I can't help it. When someone drives you to a place you never wanted to go, it takes a while to forget and look at it calmly.
My mom says she wants me to become emotionally stronger. I said fine, but you don't go about doing that by throwing me into the ocean and expecting me to swim, because I'll drown instead.
Some day, I'll wake up and be struck with apocalyptic grief about fraying relationships, maybe, but that day isn't today.
I'm starting to think that I'm in serious need of a psychiatrist.
Posted by phoenix on 2009-11-09 ~
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Death
Today, my parents told me that a childhood friend of mine had been hit by a train and died.
She was a senior in high school, just starting the college application process with high hopes and dreams. It is true that we had drifted apart in later years and couldn't really consider ourselves "close friends" anymore, but I still never forgot how many hours we spent playing together as children; how many laughs we shared. She was a gymnast and later a dancer who went around to all sorts of competitions, and recently, I heard, she had been made an assistant dance instructor in the prestigious dance troupe she had been part of for many years.
My parents and her parents have known each other for a long time, longer than my friendship with her. She was an only child. I cannot imagine what her parents are going through right now.
Still, even as I'm crying, I can't really believe it. How could she have died? Why didn't she see or hear the train before she was hit? How could this have happened? Why? Why wasn't she more careful?
How could she have died before her life had even begun?
Teenagers, young adults (myself included) often can't feel death. It seems such a distant concept; you know people die, but you don't feel like it will happen to you or anyone you know. You know, theoretically, it could happen, but it doesn't feel like it would. This is the first time a death has touched me so near my heart; even the deaths of my grandfather and a good neighborhood friend didn't move me this much.
I suppose it was because, in both cases, my grandfather and that neighborhood friend had been ill for a long time, and so though we all wished fervently for the better, we knew the end was coming. But with this friend, my childhood friend, it was so sudden, so out of the blue. No one could ever have thought that this would happen.
It is a reminder for me that I have to be careful, for life can end any time, anywhere, without warning. That I must never live life in vain, and remind myself of my purpose and all the goals I want to accomplish, of everything I love and treasure. Each day is something to be cherished. For life is too short and too precious, both for ourselves and those who love us.
I have to remind myself. My friend was never given a chance to live. I have to remind myself of the chance that I have, and all the things that I can do. Of all the good things that are yet to come, and the opportunities I cannot waste.
Rest in peace, Jessica.
Posted by phoenix on 2009-11-07 ~
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Where do I go from here?
Evidently my computer hates me, because not only am I unable to edit the CSS for my new LJ account, but RS's layout appears screwed up in my browser, even though the code and images are perfectly fine. Bleh.
I realized that I haven't really been talking about college in much detail over here, so I guess I should fix that. But, as always, I tend to blab when I have bad news.
Recently I've hit a bump in the road. I was suddenly aware of the fact that I seemed to have almost no motivation to try my hardest in my classes anymore, and that bothers me. The reason, I think, is that I'm really not sure about what I'm doing in the future, and as I don't have a concrete goal in mind, plus the fact that most of my classes this semester don't interest me, has led to my performance suffering and mental stagnation. The only class that I prepare well for and even read ahead is Japanese, because (as you may know) I love languages, but in that case I've begun to slack off a little since I've been doing so well. Well, that's not as much of a problem, I suppose, as Japanese is a hard language and it won't take much for me to buckle down, but my other classes are bigger concerns.
My seminar is not what I thought it would be (turned out to be a philosophy sort of class rather than a history class), my history class--the lectures are interesting, but our grade is based on all of two papers, and I don't like the...papers (I can't explain too well right now, but maybe later). Then there's Chem...ugh, why did I ever bother? At least it's clear to me now that I hate Chem the subject, and not because of the teacher (which is what happened in high school).
As I mentioned, I thought I would major in history, but now I'm not so sure. English was always a drag in high school, not because I disliked it, but because I thought I wasn't so great at it. Now, though, I realized that I really do like analyzing text and literary devices; my childish lifelong dream of just writing a story has matured into a fascination with narrative style and the use of language to convey a conflict, a story, an emotion. And let's not forget my love of foreign languages and my interest in psychology.
So, I'm not sure what I'm aiming for any more--I know college is about finding what you like, but I'm pretty much stuck with these classes for the rest of the semester, and there's nothing I can do until the spring.
But (to add to my dreary picture) I have to say something more about this feeling of "mental stagnation" that I talked about--and it's about my friends/acquaintances at college. My dad always tells me to stop being so picky and always looking for something inspiring in each conversation, but...I can't help it. I don't necessarily want my mind to be blown away each time, but I do look for a sort of intellectual or emotional fulfillment at least on a regular, if occasional, basis. So far I haven't found anyone (well, maybe one) here who meets that.
Again, I'm unable at the moment to really explain the problem, but I feel like there aren't many people whom you can just approach and talk about anything you want. I want to talk about writing, languages, video games, Hetalia--no one else is really interested. (Not to mention anime/video games is still seen as dorky by many people.) I want people to ask me things, I want people to debate with me--but no one wants to get into a debate. People are just content with saying, "Let's agree to disagree."
I am both grateful and somewhat chagrined by the diversity of characters I've met on campus. Grateful, because this diversity makes each conversation interesting; chagrined, because I've had to deal with many more annoyances than I did in high school. For example, one guy on my floor (who I end up hanging around a lot because we both study in the same area) often makes sweeping generalizations about me and my life, which, considering we're not very close and haven't had any really personal conversations, irritates me to no end. (One thing I hate is when people try to analyze me without knowing anything about me.) And it's starting to become clear to me that no one can measure intelligence. I know some people in high school who couldn't get into Amherst, but are vastly more interesting conversation partners than some people here.
Argh, I think I've spent enough time ranting here. I should really start doing my homework now (after having basically wasted all of my time yesterday)...
Posted by phoenix on 2009-10-25 ~
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