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Where do I go from here?
Evidently my computer hates me, because not only am I unable to edit the CSS for my new LJ account, but RS's layout appears screwed up in my browser, even though the code and images are perfectly fine. Bleh.
I realized that I haven't really been talking about college in much detail over here, so I guess I should fix that. But, as always, I tend to blab when I have bad news.
Recently I've hit a bump in the road. I was suddenly aware of the fact that I seemed to have almost no motivation to try my hardest in my classes anymore, and that bothers me. The reason, I think, is that I'm really not sure about what I'm doing in the future, and as I don't have a concrete goal in mind, plus the fact that most of my classes this semester don't interest me, has led to my performance suffering and mental stagnation. The only class that I prepare well for and even read ahead is Japanese, because (as you may know) I love languages, but in that case I've begun to slack off a little since I've been doing so well. Well, that's not as much of a problem, I suppose, as Japanese is a hard language and it won't take much for me to buckle down, but my other classes are bigger concerns.
My seminar is not what I thought it would be (turned out to be a philosophy sort of class rather than a history class), my history class--the lectures are interesting, but our grade is based on all of two papers, and I don't like the...papers (I can't explain too well right now, but maybe later). Then there's Chem...ugh, why did I ever bother? At least it's clear to me now that I hate Chem the subject, and not because of the teacher (which is what happened in high school).
As I mentioned, I thought I would major in history, but now I'm not so sure. English was always a drag in high school, not because I disliked it, but because I thought I wasn't so great at it. Now, though, I realized that I really do like analyzing text and literary devices; my childish lifelong dream of just writing a story has matured into a fascination with narrative style and the use of language to convey a conflict, a story, an emotion. And let's not forget my love of foreign languages and my interest in psychology.
So, I'm not sure what I'm aiming for any more--I know college is about finding what you like, but I'm pretty much stuck with these classes for the rest of the semester, and there's nothing I can do until the spring.
But (to add to my dreary picture) I have to say something more about this feeling of "mental stagnation" that I talked about--and it's about my friends/acquaintances at college. My dad always tells me to stop being so picky and always looking for something inspiring in each conversation, but...I can't help it. I don't necessarily want my mind to be blown away each time, but I do look for a sort of intellectual or emotional fulfillment at least on a regular, if occasional, basis. So far I haven't found anyone (well, maybe one) here who meets that.
Again, I'm unable at the moment to really explain the problem, but I feel like there aren't many people whom you can just approach and talk about anything you want. I want to talk about writing, languages, video games, Hetalia--no one else is really interested. (Not to mention anime/video games is still seen as dorky by many people.) I want people to ask me things, I want people to debate with me--but no one wants to get into a debate. People are just content with saying, "Let's agree to disagree."
I am both grateful and somewhat chagrined by the diversity of characters I've met on campus. Grateful, because this diversity makes each conversation interesting; chagrined, because I've had to deal with many more annoyances than I did in high school. For example, one guy on my floor (who I end up hanging around a lot because we both study in the same area) often makes sweeping generalizations about me and my life, which, considering we're not very close and haven't had any really personal conversations, irritates me to no end. (One thing I hate is when people try to analyze me without knowing anything about me.) And it's starting to become clear to me that no one can measure intelligence. I know some people in high school who couldn't get into Amherst, but are vastly more interesting conversation partners than some people here.
Argh, I think I've spent enough time ranting here. I should really start doing my homework now (after having basically wasted all of my time yesterday)...
Posted by phoenix on 2009-10-25
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